Pretty Hate Machine

writing, badly with abreviations and lack of punctuation, just in the hope that someone will read this and save me, very unlikely though as no one knows that i write here. similar in fact to know one knowing just how much i am suffering atm and anyone that i have told not having a clue just how bad things are.
All I want is fun, love and happiness, and most importantly someone to share those things with.

Patience
Understanding
Self-esteem
Hope

There's something not right, I have a bad feeling about something going on that I don't know about. I fully expect to hear, probably sometime around the 2nd of January, that whatever it was that I was hoping to develop with Ollie isn't going to happen at all. There is definately something he's not telling me, it could be that I'm being my usual paranoid self and expecting whatever it is to be related to me in someone... like now he's met me he's not quite as interested as he was before... Or it could be what he says it is, that he's worried about his mum and he's also having a bad time with his house mates.

I guess I'm just extrememly pissed off at having had the chance of a damn good New Year celebration taken away from me cos I was being thoughtful and considering someone elses feelings. I'm still glad I did what I did in suggesting he go home and spend New Year with his mum, cos he was/is obviously worried, I'm just wondering how long it's going to be before he realises what I did.

Maybe I should just forget it all now... before something does happen? I'm on the verge of sending him a message asking what's going on, even though his fone is off atm. I'm sure he'd say everything is fine and that he's just a bit 'off' like he did the other night.. but am I really sure, if I was sure I'd not even be writing this.

Maybe I am devoid of personality or there is something I do when I meet people that puts them off, needy, grasping, desperate, boring, too different.... Who knows, whatever it is I am doing it would seem to be the wrong thing, I just do what I do though, I guess if I'm meant to have someone to share nice things with then I will find them eventually but right now it seems unlikely. (and incase you're wondering, vacinity has nothing to do with it, or does meeting 'real' people, I've done both to discover no real difference in the end.)

Not quite sure why I'm writing this, the person I want to see it won't see it and if he did see it by accident it would probably cause more problems than it solved. It's no longer cleansing for me to write things down either, it merely focus's my thoughts onto my dilema. It provides no answers or new ways of thinking about the problem, it just records the passing worry for history, to be re-read during another time of meloncholy.

Damn it, nothing to be done except sleep I guess, it's the only thing that helps in any way at all.

I forgot and I trusted someone... how stupid of me not to take my own advice?!! I'll remember for the next couple of days but I will go back to trusting again I'm certain of it. What a lovely cycle it is too!

EVER...

Hmm thinking gets to much sometimes.. I stopped for as long as I could, and I'm reluctant to start again. Though I have noticed that I'm not as able to deal with things as well as I used to be. The people around me have changed how they behave too though and I think it's effected me more than I'm ready to admit.

Maybe I've subconsciously decided that if I don't think I'll not feel bad about things? And that I've got way too much that needs thinking about and even more that needs acting on.......
ah I'll stop all that crap for now.... dancing is much better for ya :o)

Hiding out in another place.. somewhere where no one knows me.. to be honest I have to be where no one knows me or at least where no one expects anything from me.